I sent out a question a few days ago on the Soul Hiker Facebook Page to ask readers whether they have any topics they would like me to talk about around the campfire. Maureen Rose Jordan came in with a topic request that got me all in a buzz because I know how important the topic is becoming for so many people. I hear it a lot from friends and people I talk to. If I had to sum up Maureen’s point in a question it would be: “Is the path to real change and awakening a lonely one to thread?” or to put it in Maureen’s exact words ”Will this journey be a solo flight?”.
First of all let me unpack a little bit the question by putting it in its original context as I’m sure a lot of you will relate to this fairly well. Maureen was saying that she is learning to live her life in a higher vibrational frequency (isn’t that amazing?!) and that this is something that is both rewarding and confusing at the same time. It is rewarding because it is giving her fulfilment and contentment as she aligns with her own truth, her highest potential and her authenticity. At the same time she is confused by the fact that she is feeling the path to be getting quite solitary.
This sense of feeling solitude arises out of two things happening at the same time as one goes through big realisations and inner transformation. The first is that all of a sudden you feel that you are resonating with very few or nobody in your extended social circles. You feel you cannot relate or express what you are going through in a way that makes you feel understood at work or with the people you usually hang out with on a weekend. Secondly, and this is a more delicate point for many of us, is that you go ‘out of tune’ with your family or the ones that are closest to you. In other words you feel that you have moved forward, changed and shifted to a new reality but some people close to you are still where you left them. Something then starts to happen. There will be moments where you feel you and your family are in ‘two different frequency bandwidths’ to use the same analogy to vibrational frequency. You might feel you have grown out of certain unconscious patterns, lifestyle habits, ways of feeling or responding to certain things (and that these things no longer resonate with your newly discovered truth) yet some or all of your family members are still within that old reality. You might start feeling uncomfortable or irritated being around them sometimes and they might feel that you are estranging yourself from the pack or they might feel a little bit out of their depth when around you. They might not understand what is going on with you or do not entirely recognise your new Self.
Let me stay a little while on the family issue first as it is a more central issue and it is one that causes the most pain and inner conflict. Our children, spouses or parents are the ones that are closest to us and the ones we love most dearly. If we were in a peer group and our views and lifestyle no longer resonate with the rest of the group, we could always take an exit door. We might fall out with a few people but that’s about it. It’s a different thing with the ones that are closest to us. There is an emotional investment, a bond of trust and if you have young children, an important responsibility of course. You can still take the exit door of course (and many people have) but I believe it is not necessary or recommended most of the time (Here I am talking about immediate family. Perhaps a case of girlfriend/boyfriend situation can be quite different depending on the particular case).
So how do you deal with family members who you feel are not resonating with your frequency?
There is no blanket answer to this as it depends on different life situations and scenarios. In extreme situations (and I got to know quite a few of them) the difference became so big that a difficult decision had to be taken. These are cases where someone awakened to his/her true mission and soul purpose (a very strong calling) and family life was impeding him/her from reaching out to help thousands. A gigantic and painful dilemma presented itself and a choice had to be made. These are exceptional cases of enormous life sacrifices to answer the call for a life of service. And as I said apart from these exceptional cases, this path is not recommended. Fortunately for most of us there are other paths to take.
The first is to keep on loving them and leave space for them and you to move or retract if you wish to. This is something that Maureen already told me she is doing already and this is fantastic. What I mean by leaving a space open for them to move or retract is that:
1) Do not judge them, interfere or impose your new found worldview on them even if you feel that you are aware of unconscious patterns that they are not (you can guide them patiently and lovingly when they are more conscious and ready to listen – this applies to both spouses and children)
2) Leave a space open for them to grow and join you if and when they wish to at their own space and rhythm. If you hold your awareness, they will sooner or later start entering in and out of that space of conscious awareness. Allow them to do it naturally out of their own volition.
3) Disengage and leave the space: There are times when what I refer to as the ‘collective ego’ will come and have a go at you through one of your family member’s unconscious responses. This is something too long to unpack in its entirety here so I will give you a super compressed resume. When you start awakening to a new self you become ‘a shining beacon of light’. You attract attention as you start blipping on the radar. The collective ego will sometimes try its best to distract you and disrupt your momentum towards conscious awakening.
If any of your family members are quite unconscious they will without knowing start throwing things at you (not literally…although I can imagine possible scenarios). They will put up big resistance or say really hurtful things or threaten you emotionally (especially if they have leverages) ,etc in a way that might put great pressure or self-doubt on your realisations and inner changes. They might put you off track or possible make you lose faith in yourself at least for a while. Depending on how intense and unconscious this becomes, it might be the time where you need to disengage (as against responding not matter how calm and well meaning) and leave the space (physical space) or keep the distance for a while until things get more conscious. Disengaging and not reacting might be one of the hardest thing to do because so many sensitive points in the ego can be triggered by the ones closest to us. We can easily fall back into the trap of getting approval, of trying to be right and trying to affirm to them and ourselves that what we are doing is right and meaningful.
Keeping your Awareness High
The last point is where most of us will recognise how important keeping aware and vigilant of our own states of mind and emotions is in relationships and just about anything else. It is so easy to slip into unconscious patterns of thinking and behaving when interacting with family members, even more so than any other relationship. This is so because of many reasons – sharing same space, energetic field influence, deeper emotional investment and because their egos know our pain points so much better than anyone else. This is what I always say to myself and others: Keep your awareness as high as possible when things start getting hot in the kitchen and if you just can’t do that, shut up and go to another room, another space.
Another path, or rather an approach, that is my favourite, is to recognise that there is no separation between family life (not matter how light years away it might seem) and your new found life of excitement, authenticity and possibilities. I know a lot of people, including myself in the past, who can’t see past the differences between their mundane family life and their exciting and fairy tale calling of their mission or life purpose. I now see family life as one of the biggest field tests and training grounds for moving life forward into greater aspirations and possibilities.
Finding your Tribe:
Maureen had also noted how she seems to be attracting (at least for the time being) people in her life that do not match her ‘vibrational frequency’ – who do not resonate to the same key. Now at the same time she is also aware that she is very empathetic and as she said “I now try to help from a distance’ and keeping borders clearly defined. And this is a very important point that she is conscious of because I observe this thing happening with a lot of empathetic people I know. Most of them have this compelling and beautiful drive to help others by entering into their space, deeply understanding them and giving them their all in a bid to make them better.
Yet empathetic people also often enter into a semi-parasitic relationship of helper and victim. Some people who unconsciously love being victims can sense empathetic people and end up being attracted to them and sometimes feeding off their energy. The empathetic person, because he or she is empathetic, will enter the space of the victim (the one in need, the helpless, the broken, etc) and try to feel/resonate/deeply understand what the other person is going through. Now we humans can do this by mirroring the other (there are a set of neurons in fact called mirror neurons that just do that). By mirroring the others we are also mirroring their energies, their emotional and vibratory states. I believe that this is why people who are empathetic very often end up attracting people who are in a lower vibratory state then them and get drained after willingly trying to ‘fix’ the other person.
My word of advice if you are feeling this is to be more aware and conscious around such people. It is my belief that the best way to help people sometimes is by getting yourself out of the way. This means instead of being empathetic or sympathetic of the other person, or basing your help on ‘loving intentions’ and ‘emotions’, you allow yourself to be clear and centred. The truth that very few people understand is that real unconditional love is ‘cold’. Real healing & energy work, for instance, is when the practitioner’s feelings are completely out of the way and so becomes a pure channel of energy and information.
Coming back to the original question, I feel that although the road to real meaningful change can seem like a lonely one at times, you are definitely not alone. There are an increasing number of people who are going through the same changes and often the same dilemmas. Sooner or later the dots will start to join and some paths will cross each other. Be always open to it and trust your intuitions. This is a time where more and more people are entering into new meaningful relationships outside of their immediate social circles. One of the most exciting things in fact about coming to face a brave new world is slowly finding out that you belong to a tribe – a growing community of kindred souls – that are out there ready to welcome you in, share their experiences and walk side by side with you.